You know who...

Hello there stranger. I almost missed you back there but man, don't you look mighty familiar! Have we met before? No don't be shy, I'm sure we have. Was it at the Rozen Bar-Mitzva? Perhaps at the mall? Maybe it was on that camping trip. No, no, no; yes you're right. Seventh grade gym class! My, wasn't that an entertaining experience. I hope you've had some time to recuperate. I know I'm ready for more.
I'm glad I bumped into you. I've been thinking about you recently. How you've been, what you've done, where you buried the bodies. Ha, ha, ha! Just a little joke there. Well, now I'm back and I'm sure you and me will get along just fine. Buds for life, right?
We can go out some time to a club or a bar or something and I will tickle you in places you never thought were ticklish. I'll poke you here and wiggle there as you squirm about on your stool, trying to look as cool as a dog's nose. And when you finally get so drunk that you lose all muscle control and finally decide to go dancing, I'll blow up the balloons, turn on the tap and have my own little dance party. And lemme tell you, I'm gonna party so hearty that you won't want to stay on the dance floor for long.
We'll go camping one weekend, just you, me and your significant other. We'll have so much fun! You and me, we'll play many games, like "Dam Breach", "Toxic Spill" and "Speed Houdini". That one's you trying to get out of your sleeping bag before I boil over. And don't forget to tell that special someone that when the lava flows it doesn't take hostages.
We'll be roomies, we'll be bunk-mates, we'll be pals. We'll stay up late nights, just talking , you know, like buddies do. You unearthing low, painful grunts and me sputtering back poetry.
I'm a light sleeper, you know. Can't ever find a comfy, restful spot so I always have to be rolling over and over again. I'm sorry if my insomnia keeps you up. Maybe those late night trips to the bathroom will do you some good. One thing is for certain, you'll be much better read by the time I'm gone. Have you ever tried the Bible? Good book. Most importantly, good for taking up an hour of dead time at 4AM. What else were you going to be doing anyway?
Have you ever thought of going to a militia convention? It doesn't matter how many R's I'll be rolling; everyone there has a gas mask. Or on the other hand, maybe we shouldn't. I'm guessing that they probably won't appreciate my being there, brown and greasy not fitting the blonde, blue eyed Aryan stereotype and all.
I know we haven't seen each other in a long time but I've missed you. Those special times we had together are dear to me and you've got to admit, we've been apart for far too long. Best friends should keep in touch.
I can feel the connection between us like I can feel thick apple sauce smeared over bed sheets. I can smell our friendship like I can smell slimy, chocolaty goodness flowing down a pant leg. You are a good person and I can tell you that we'll be great pals. Practically inseparable, you and I. I may never leave home again.
Always with Love.
You know who.

The different versions of "How Much is that Doggy in the window".

Unabridged Classic Version


How much is that doggy in the window,
The one with the waggily tail?

How much is that doggy in the window?
I do hope that he is for sale.


I don't have a brother or a sister.
They just put my daddy in jail.

I sure need a friend who love me.
I do hope that doggy's for sale.


Mommy is on the street hustling.
Trying to raise daddy's bail.

And I sure get hungry in the evening.
I do hope that doggy's for sale.

Yum Yum Version


Oh why is that psycho in the window?
The one with the cold glassy stare.

Oh why is that psycho in the window?
Pale skin, bluish lips, greenish hair.


His whiskers are sweaty from running.
His jacket, it ties in the back.

He asks so politely to come in.
His hat, he will place on the rack.


You didn't believe that he loved you.
It wasn't a love off the shelf.

You face was his pearl of the ocean.
And one day he'd tell you himself.


Oh why did you take him for granted?
Why didn't you open your door?

One kiss was all that he demanded.
That ship doesn't sail anymore.


Your guest, he has said that he'll visit.
Alone in his cell did he write.

Arrived, and he's aiming for business.
Alone, in the head, with a knife.

Young Apprentice Ezekiel

And so it was in young apprentice sorcerer Ezekiel's second year of training that his bearded master O Great and Holy Thelem ben Yeshua commanded him,"Ok, Now imagine the thing you most want in the world and will it into being."
Ezekiel, assuming a countenance of holy elation closed his eyes sat still for several minutes perfecting his work in his mind. At the end of his meditation, Ezekiel eagerly bounced up and drew forth out of a brand new cloud of grey smoke two naked women, perfect in every way. Their grace was joy, their skin was a breeze and their bodies were peaches. Their glowing, blushing bodies were gloriously complete, except that they had no heads.
"My God, Ezekel! I never thought a man could think so much like a man! I don't know whether to congratulate you on reaching world record levels of lechery and lust or to slap you."
"I don't know. I guess I just didn't think about the rest of them."
"You know, you could have at least given them stumps. I can see all the way inside.", spake the righteous master, inserting his head inside one of the bodies. "Strike that, you could have at least given them internal organs", echoed his voice from behind a perfect pair of breasts. "You didn't forget to give her a vagina."
Rocking back and forth under the weight of his own crushed lebedo Ezekiel grew smaller with every word. His only response was to hang low, brows lower, muttering something about the theoretical possibility that his attention to detail may have been lopsided.
"Did you make the bones out of steel?! No wonder I sound metallic down here", rang the great ben Yeshua as he pulled out of the carcass to stare directly at Ezekiel. "Boy, what else were you thinking of when you made these women?"
"A Corvette..". , groaned Ezekiel, holding a painful smile which collapsed into an assward fall down his face when the cadavres fell over each other and onto the ground dirtying up that perfect pubic hair.
If you're wondering what the hell was up with the thing in the beginning, just imagine diarrhea running into an old friend and striking up a conversation and then read it again.